Caring for Caregivers

I don't think there's any more appropriate use of the  airplane metaphor--the one about placing your own oxygen mask on your face before your child's -- than that of being a caregiver.   Caregivers often forget to breathe deeply.  Caregivers have high rates of both physical and emotional dis-ease.  And it's no wonder.  It's exhausting and demanding.  But like other life challenges, it's also an opportunity for growth.  Whatever else it may be (and each person's situation is unique), to be a caregiver, to take on the responsibility of managing many aspects of the life of a parent, especially when one feels overwhelmed by other responsibilities, requires self care.   The following list provides some suggestions:

-Physical self care. Exercise, eat healthy meals and get plenty of sleep; have regular check-ups with trusted physicians and dentists and attend promptly to any necessary treatments and procedures.

-Spiritual Conditioning.  Nurture a faith life.  Utilize prayer, meditation or twelve step programs.

-Address your emotional needs.  Use counselors and therapists to help work through past resentments, to cope with a wide range of emotions, to set limits, and to learn some new skills. Use a spiritual director or clergy person to help deepen your faith life.

-Develop a trusting relationship with a financial advisor (and your parent's financial advisor) and be sure your own finances are well managed.  Have a financial plan that includes long term care insurance and know what your reasonable limits are for assisting family members.

-Be sure you have your own will and trust in order, and educate yourself about your parent's will.  If they haven't put their "affairs in order", your doing yours is a good time to discuss their doing theirs.  Even if you have prepared well for end of life, seek expert advice about putting closure on all the details. 

-Educate yourself about whatever disabilities or diseases your parent may be suffering; learn how to prevent a medical crisis and about resources available to you --online resources, agencies, health care providers, etc.  

-Be aware of the signs which indicate it might be time for your parents to downsize.  If and when it is time to consider moving into a retirement community or assisted living facility, utilize the expertise of a professional specialist who can not only provide a wealth of information about communities, but can help address many aspects of this major life transition.  

-Keep connected to a caring community--church, synagogue, neighborhood, club, etc.

-Make time for other relationships which nurture you and let go of relationships that drain you.  If you are in a couple relationship, be sure to "protect" it by setting aside specific time for relaxation and play.

-Share meals with friends!

-Identify people, places and activities which bring you joy. Make them priorities.  You NEED these in your life!

-Hire help for what you can afford and don't have to do yourself.  This includes cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc.  

-Set limits with other people regarding what you are able to do.  

-If there are other family members involved in sharing responsibilities, be collaborative, organize family meetings and provide a structure for ongoing communication.  

-Push yourself out into new places or your world might become too small.  Find places to awaken your spirit and sense of adventure.  

-Laugh, Breathe......

Jane Davis, licensed professional counselor  

9260 E. Raintree Dr. Ste. 130, Scottsdale, AZ 85260  

480-443-2566

Why Your Parents Need Your Help

Many of my clients in their late 50’s and early 60’s are become more involved in their parent’s financial matters. This is important, and it would be better if they became involved even earlier… before there is a problem.

In one case, as dad became ill his daughter started helping mom with the bills and finances. They realize dad had neglected to make his last premium payments for over a year on a life insurance policy he had for over 20 years. By the time they discovered the problem, it was too late. The policy had lapsed. Dad passed away a year later. It was a costly mistake… over $100,000 in missed benefits.

In once study done, they asked a simple question to those in their 50’s. If a lottery pot was at $2 million, and 5 people had winning tickets, how much would each person get? (The correct answer is $400,000.) Between 50-60% of those in their 50’s answered correctly. When that same question is asked to a group of 90 year olds, only 10% get the correct answer. Cognitive abilities diminish with age and it becomes more difficult for someone to gauge the right trade-offs when it comes to financial decisions.

It is important to become involved in a caring and loving way. To do so, you need to have knowledge of financial matters yourself, and it’s important to have your own financial matters in order so you offer thoughtful assistance. 

Dana Anspach

The double decker sandwich generation

The term "sandwich generation" applies to adult children taking care of parents and kids.  The term "double decker sandwich generation" refers to adult children taking care of parents/grandparents and/or kids/grandkids.

Is this applicable to you? 

Do you have thoughts like "how am I going to manage my day when I have to visit my parent in the nursing home and still get my kids to practice?"  "I'm the only person alive that has to deal with my parent being so bad in the living facility."  "My kids need my attention but my parent is older and can't get around on their own."

If you have these thoughts, and many others, we invite you to our free event.  You can hear presentations on 6 different topics and talk with professionals that can help you, all at no cost to you.

You aren't alone, we're here to help.

WHW Professional Group